Why I'm here, or "shit, I know this one, it's 42, right?"

CW/TW: Anxiety. 


So there I was, shakin' and quakin', lying in my bed, half convinced I was about to die.

Hello, dear reader. You're probably wondering how I got myself in this situation. Well, friend, you're lucky, because you're about to find out.

Do I have to? Five more minutes? 

It was dark all around me. That in and of itself was not unusual, considering the fact that it was fucking nighttime and I was supposed to be asleep since forever ago, but this night the darkness terrified the everliving shit out of me. I was breathing rapidly, but still I couldn't get any air into my lungs. I had an immense pressure on my chest and I could not stop thinking about all the bad shit. The workload I had. The fact that I was in a strange city, away from my loved ones. The bullying at work.

So it really was no surprise that I had my very first panic attack that night in 2014. Yay, achievement unlocked.

The panic got worse as time went by, and soon I was unable to work. I was diagnosed with depression, anxiety and occupational burnout, which - seriously, it's not fun. Don't do what I did. No job in the world is worth that amount of horror.

But, as luck would have it, I got fired from my job, had to move from this strange new city and was left not knowing what the fuck I was supposed to do.

That was my initiation. That was the moment I realized that "damn, I need to get my shit in order. I need to find myself, man", and then a hippy wagon rolled up beside me, a cheesy song started playing and all was fine in the world.

Pictured: Hippy wagon and the road.

No, not really. That was when I got therapy, realized that I was bisexual, queer and polyamorous, and that was also when I finally decided to start a spiritual journey to find myself, with the aid of Chaos magic and Wicca.

And now, some seven years later, I end up here, on this blog. And, coincidentally, so do you.

Here I am going to write about my general reflections, about occultism and magic, about queer stuff and polyamory, about rock and fucking roll and about my work as a journalist.

I hope we'll enjoy our time together.

Blessed be,
F