Corona dreams

CW/TW: Needles. 

Dreams, yo. Aren't they fascinating? Whether it is a deep, dark, terrifying nightmare or a dream about you going to school sans pants, they are surely a mirror into the depths of our mind.

Thus, it is not surprising that our minds go haywire come nightfall nowadays, considering that the fucking apocalypse is at our doorstep. Yes, this is about the coronavirus (which, for clarity's sake, I do NOT claim to be a sign of the actual apocalypse, nor do I believe it to be so: Stay at home, wash your hands and listen to the medical expertise and we will all be fine), and about the dreams I have been having these past few nights.

I have been caught in an apartment with a person I used to know but no longer am in contact with. In my dream, this person had corona, and they infected me as well. In that dream, I finally managed to escape but I left my Will behind. That part is still bothering me to this day.

In another dream, I had my teeth shattered and broken, and I felt them fall out of my mouth. I awoke with a feeling of unease, and it lingered throughout the day.

I have found that drawing my thoughts help. Like this, which is about a dream where I met the devil

And lastly, this night I was in the army. I dream about being in the army a lot, mainly because of some still unresolved trauma from when I was conscripted, but this night was different.

I lay at an operating table, tied to the sides with leather handcuffs. Hovering above me was my sergeant (this dream-sergeant was not based on a real person), holding a massive needle in his hand. He was laughing, coming ever closer, and I knew that I was about to be lobotomized.

I begged him and pleaded to please, please, anaesthetize me, and finally, he caved in. He took the operating table, with me still on it, and brought me to the doctor (again; not based on a real person), who prepared the cannula. Hysteric, I asked if I could please go to the bathroom beforehand, and my wish was granted. I went there, eager to escape but unsure how to do that, and that was when I awoke.

This last dream convinced me that I should do some shadow work, to try resolving the trauma that the military service inflicted upon me.

Daily routines in a time of crisis

Let us be clear here: I am not going to talk about the corona virus in this blog. Not that much, at least. It is a harrowing experience for all of us, and we are all dealing with it the best way we can.

And that is what I am going to talk about, here. What I do to deal with it. Because, let's face it, people: I may not have been the sanest person on God's green earth to begin with, and a global fucking pandemic causing widespread death and isolation does not really do wonders for my mental health. 

So let us focus on the things that do, shall we?

If anything, I have noticed that my daily routines have become more... Organized, during this crisis. Yes, I am one of the privileged ones who actually can work from home, and I do that now – I have been at it almost every day since this crisis began here in Finland, working at the local newspaper Vasabladet. You should check it out. For real.

But my daily routines help me stay in touch with things. 

I sleep. I prioritize my sleep and actively try to calm myself down by not engaging with my phone late at night. It is hard, I know, and sometimes I fail. Soothing music helps me fall asleep, I have noticed. 

I eat well, every day. I strive to eat breakfast, lunch and dinner each day, and oftentimes I make food myself – a habit I really like. There is great magic in food, I have come to realize. 

I mean, come on, look at this beauty.

I walk to and from work each day – that is, before I start working I take a quick walk or run around the neighborhood, and then I return to my home office. Same thing when I quit for the day. Walking, or running, really gets the mind in motion.

I meditate. Granted, I have been meditating for a while, but often I have neglected that practice. Now, for the past week, I have been adamant on keeping up a meditation practice each day. And it... Really helps. My mind feels calmer than before, and that is saying something. 

How do you keep calm and collected during these trying times?

Why I'm here, or "shit, I know this one, it's 42, right?"

CW/TW: Anxiety. 


So there I was, shakin' and quakin', lying in my bed, half convinced I was about to die.

Hello, dear reader. You're probably wondering how I got myself in this situation. Well, friend, you're lucky, because you're about to find out.

Do I have to? Five more minutes? 

It was dark all around me. That in and of itself was not unusual, considering the fact that it was fucking nighttime and I was supposed to be asleep since forever ago, but this night the darkness terrified the everliving shit out of me. I was breathing rapidly, but still I couldn't get any air into my lungs. I had an immense pressure on my chest and I could not stop thinking about all the bad shit. The workload I had. The fact that I was in a strange city, away from my loved ones. The bullying at work.

So it really was no surprise that I had my very first panic attack that night in 2014. Yay, achievement unlocked.

The panic got worse as time went by, and soon I was unable to work. I was diagnosed with depression, anxiety and occupational burnout, which - seriously, it's not fun. Don't do what I did. No job in the world is worth that amount of horror.

But, as luck would have it, I got fired from my job, had to move from this strange new city and was left not knowing what the fuck I was supposed to do.

That was my initiation. That was the moment I realized that "damn, I need to get my shit in order. I need to find myself, man", and then a hippy wagon rolled up beside me, a cheesy song started playing and all was fine in the world.

Pictured: Hippy wagon and the road.

No, not really. That was when I got therapy, realized that I was bisexual, queer and polyamorous, and that was also when I finally decided to start a spiritual journey to find myself, with the aid of Chaos magic and Wicca.

And now, some seven years later, I end up here, on this blog. And, coincidentally, so do you.

Here I am going to write about my general reflections, about occultism and magic, about queer stuff and polyamory, about rock and fucking roll and about my work as a journalist.

I hope we'll enjoy our time together.

Blessed be,
F